Although I’m not usually one to act on impulse, something deep inside of me wants to throw caution to the wind and fly away with a muscular stud. He could take me anywhere, so long as we’re going there quickly and with a modicum of style. Frank Sinatra singing in the background would make me swoon.
I’d prefer that stud to come in human form, of course, but in a pinch, I’d settle for a BMW M5.
It certainly qualifies with its hot body. Wide haunches fill out with 20” alloys, sporting performance tires that accentuate dual exhausts poking out the rear and an aggressive front facia that feeds volumes of air to the engine. Even sitting at the coffee shop during my test drive, it drew attention, but it comes off as an athletic aristocrat more than a boisterous jock.
Riding inside the M5 is roughly equivalent to joining the Mile High Club in a Gulfstream jet: it can be a little bumpy, but the surroundings are divine. There’s enough suede and high-grade leather to scare a bovine herd. It smells delicious. Travelers are further spoiled by a heated steering wheel, front and rear heated seats, airline-style wrap-around headrests, four-zone climate control, soft-close automatic doors, and active front seats to counter cornering forces. Sinatra never sounded better than on the hi-fi audio system.
I know BMW is married to its defiled iDrive system, but I pray for a divorce. True, iDrive can do almost anything you desire of it, but a more frustrating automotive device was never created. (Well, unless we’re talking about the over-engineered cupholders. Knobs and deep holes work fine, people.) Safety is enhanced by side- and top-view cameras for a God’s-eye view of your surroundings, while a multi-color heads-up display with tach and speed keeps your eyes focused when digits accumulate quickly.
And, boy, do they! Under the hood, the twin-turbo 4.4-liter V8 generates 560 horsepower and thumps from 0-62 mph in 4.4s. Skip the seven-speed manumatic transmission and grip the six-speed manual instead. It’s the one thing in the car that requires no coaching — and it works beautifully. No matter what you’ve driven in a past life, this car is smack-your-ass fast. And smooth. So what if it ekes out a meager 15/22 mpg city/highway?
Just like certain studs of our acquaintance, the M5 can be a temperamental prima donna. If you live in cold climates, change out the summer tires in September to avoid anything wet. This car doesn’t even like humidity. Slick streets will work the stability control system breathless.
You can adjust the chassis, steering, and engine three ways from Sunday. Leave all three in “Comfort” and the car is all about easy cruising. “Sport” firms up the steering/suspension and gives the throttle more attitude. In “Sport Plus”, you’ll need strength training to draw the sedan’s most amazing abilities.
The M5 is the quintessential renaissance car. It can burst down the Autobahn, but is happy taking four well-heeled guests to the opera. I’m sure BMW owners geek out over the car’s excessive engineering, but a little less would make it so much more. While Sinatra crooned about a Lincoln, he would have preferred driving the M5. With the right man, I’d take one to the moon.
Prices start at $89,900, but our gadget-laden rocket came to $103,995.
2013 BMW M5
Five-passenger, RWD sedan
Powertrain: 560hp 4.4-liter turbo V8, 6-speed manual transmission
Suspension f/r: Electronic ind/ind
Wheels: 20”/20” alloy f/r
Brakes: disc/disc fr/rr with ABS
Must-have features: Speed, comfort
0-62mph: 4.4s
Fuel economy: 15/22 mpg city/hwy
Assembly: Dingolfing, Germany