For those who enjoy the wind in your face and the breeze in your hair — all of your hair — driving naked can be very liberating. Add in a sunroof and some Nina Hagen, and you can really feel the call of the wild.
At the same time, however, you may be setting yourself up for trouble with Johnny (or JoAnn) Law. Clothed or not, caution when driving is always advised, so when you’re not flying by the seat of your pants because you have no pants, extra planning is crucial.
Rule of thumb: as long as no one can see your junk or, for lack of a better term, butt crack, you’re probably okay. Butt cheeks and side loins are typically hunky-dory, though pubic hair is questionable.
If that sounds a tad graphic, it should: many laws addressing nudity single out genitals and the “crack” as “indecent”. Other appendages and activities can fall into gray areas. Breasts, male or female, might be okay; pinching or fondling them in public almost certainly isn’t.
When driving undraped, your biggest concern is when/if anyone — especially children — can see you au natural. There have been reports of naked drivers being pulled over and ordered to step out of the car; subsequently, the driver has been charged with violating public decency laws. If you really dig driving your Beetle in the buff, we suggest that you steer clear of parks when families are lounging and avoid “appearing” naked: both of those can lead to harassment by the po-po.
(Ed. note: we’re reminded here of that old joke — possibly from Jerry Clower — about the difference between “nude” and “naked”. When you say, “Darlene is nude”, it means Darlene doesn’t have any clothes on. When you say, “Darlene is naked”, it means Darlene doesn’t have any clothes on, and she’s up to something. Translation: when driving, don’t look naked.)
The best way to avoid problems with the law is to keep a pair of shorts or underwear nearby. Running around in you BVDs or Spanx may be of questionable taste, but it’s perfectly legal. Should you need to step out of your car, you ought to be wearing something, even if it’s a banana hammock. (Google it.) And this should go without saying: try not give police other reasons to pull you over, like sipping from an 40 oz. or reeking of hemp.
Here are a few more practical tips for your escape from the shackles of poly-cotton blends:
- Bring a towel. Sitting bare on a towel is going to be far more comfortable than doing so on any manufacturer’s car seats. For seats that can be cooled, using a lightly-woven towel — always in abundance at discount stores — allows the cool to reach your body. (This is what I am told. I have no practical experience with this. Really.)
- Wear shoes. Though driving barefoot is entirely legal in all 50 states (despite a lot of urban myths), it’s not especially safe or hygienic. You need a good pair of shoes, preferably athletic, to ensure that your feet get the grip they need. Save your heels for venues with an audience of good tippers.
- Watch your speed. There’s nothing like a naked driver hurtling down the highway to attract attention from police. Enough said.
- Bring sunscreen. Even t-shirts give you just an SFP of eight. Revving it in the raw could mean that the sizzle will start to hurt by lunchtime. Remember: your Xtube fans aren’t interested in seeing you sunburned. (Or maybe they are. We don’t know your life.)
- Don’t draw attention to yourself. Blasting “I Am What I Am” as you drive by the Piggly Wiggly could get you noticed — by the cops. Discretion is the better part of naked valor.
Above all, remember that your key function is to operate the car. If you find something’s distracting you — your beauty, the stunning view of your passenger, or something more lurid — driving naked is not a good idea. Keep your eyes where they belong: on the road.
Happy (natural) motoring.