As Good As it Gets
By Cocoa Efficient
We American’s are obsessed with our SUVs. Big, heavy and infinitely versatile, not even the specter of $3 a gallon gasoline can severe the ties that bind. We can’t help it after all, it’s a generational thing. Despite our protest to the contrary, we really do drive the same cars as our parents, albeit with few modern updates. Don’t think so? Go and dig up those old family vacation photos from 1974 when your father jammed the entire family into the car and pointed it toward such great American destinations as the Grand Canyon, Disneyland or “the shore.” There, wedged between you, your parents and your screaming brat little sister is the family wagon, easily as long as any SUV, clad in peel and stick wood grain siding, an overburdened roof rack and shiny, saucer-shaped hubcaps. Now picture that Ford Country Squire, Oldsmobile Vista Cruiser or Buick Estate wagon a foot or two higher off the ground and my point becomes as clear as Britney Spears’ transformation into Tanya Harding. While the old names may have given way to more rugged, manly nomenclature such as the Expedition, the Durango and the subject of this review, the Tahoe, other than a taller ride height and a four-wheel drive setup, yesterday’s station wagon and today’s SUV are practically family; and you thought your gay self had absolutely nothing in common with your beer-bellied, plaid-shirted, heterosexual father!
One of the most popular SUVs on the road is Chevrolet’s Tahoe, a near mirror image of the mammoth Chevrolet Suburban, only with a bit less junk in the trunk and a less powerful V8 engine. As anyone who has driven a Tahoe in the past can attest, Chevy’s do-it-all SUV is roomy, practical and powerful; it’s also about as appealing to gay fashion sensibility as a lime green polyester leisure suit. We’re all about Land Rovers and Mercedes-Benz, right? Well, up until I drove the 2007 Chevrolet Tahoe I would have said yes. But after just a day-long fling with the new Tahoe, I must declare the new Tahoe is the automotive equivalent of Cinderella, the Ugly Duckling and Pam Anderson’s boob job all rolled into one! An extreme makeover of epic proportions has occurred in Detroit and the fashion conscious gay community needs to sit up and take notice.
From the outside, the changes are not so apparent. The Tahoe’s now less curvaceous sheetmetal makes it look somewhat Ford-like when viewed from the side. The front grill and hood, however, are unmistakably Chevrolet, cast in the clean, streamlined style that has come to define the Impala, Silverado and HHR. My test vehicle rode on huge 20-inch wheels and tires. Handsome yes, but no doubt costly when it comes time for replacement. For the record, the standard wheel and tire size is 17-inches, which is more than adequate in my opinion. The optional power liftgate is a God send; no more balancing shoe boxes on one arm while grappling to find the release lever with the other.
The really big story, however, is inside the cabin, where a newfound sense of style has bloomed. From the elegant and upscale materials to the clean fonts and logically arranged switches, the Tahoe’s dash, door panels and seats move from the realm of Fisher-Price play toy to a new standard in classic American design. There are lots of little surprises too, and you know how a girl loves surprises. The second-row seats, for example, feature a power-operated mechanism that folds and flips them forward. Unfortunately, the reverse is not true, requiring Joan Crawford sized shoulders to force the seats back into position. SURPRISE! There’s also the lovely optional backup camera that displays an image of whatever is about to be crushed as you propel the two-ton Tahoe reward.
Although the Tahoe does feature a third-row seat, its doesn’t offer much in the way of legroom and when in place, the cargo hold shrinks considerably. In fairness, the same can be said of just about all three-row SUVs, excluding of course the Suburban. First and second-row seating is more than adequate for long legged individuals and the driver and front passenger seats are marvelously comfortable, especially when equipped with the optional multi-adjustable power lumbar support. Occupant safety is another area in which the Tahoe excels, offering the option of a full-length head-curtain airbag covering all three rows. The side airbags, along with the front seatbelt pretensioners, are linked to the vehicle’s rollover and rear-end collision detection system. Should a rollover appear eminent, the head-curtain airbags deploy and the seat belts tighten to keep occupants in place. Having been alerted to the situation by the airbag’s deployment, the soothing voice of an OnStar technician soon asks if you need medical assistance or helps pass the time as you dangle upside down like some ancient sea turtle in need of flip. How very thoughtful.
According to Chevrolet, the biggest improvements made to the country’s best selling full-size SUV are found in its ride, handling and powertrain. After a few minutes winding through the twisting back roads of Washington State, I can attest to the validity of Chevrolet’s claims. The Tahoe’s steering is firm and taut and the heavily-weighted steering wheel displays no sign of play or vagueness. Body lean and roll are also improved. Although the Tahoe does not exactly inspire one to charge full speed into winding S-curves, its litany of stability, traction control and roll-over sensing hardware do inspire an air of confidence not recalled with previous Tahoe models. Short of chopping off a thousand pounds or lowering the vehicles high center of gravity (or pitching out that fat-ass boyfriend), the new Tahoe is about as good as it gets, meaning Chevrolet has done all it can with the rudimentary body-on-frame platform. A Corvette the Tahoe is never going to be, but as a controllable giant it works pretty well.
The big 5.3-liter V8 now pumps out an impressive 320 horsepower and baby can this big girl move! The last time I felt this much power underfoot was my brief but brilliant appearance at the 2004 Dominatrix, Slave and Small Appliance Convention (I was the one in pink leather standing atop the Fox news logo). Despite the overt display of muscle, the EPA says the Tahoe can travel 16 miles on a gallon of gasoline in the city and some 22 miles on the highway. Hmmm, I didn’t quite see the rosy highway figure, but my combined city/highway mileage bumped around 18 mile-per-gallon, and that’s with my foot to the floor a good portion of the ride. The new Vortec engine features a fuel-saving technology known as Active Fuel Management (remember Cadillac’s disastrous 4-6-8? Same idea, only this one works). The system cuts fuel to four of the eight cylinders when not under load, thus allowing the engine to run more efficiently. The instant the throttle is depressed, the system reactivates all eight cylinders to provide a seamless transition. Later in the year, a 290-horsepower 4.8-liter V8 will become the standard engine on all two-wheel-drive models.
Now for the hard part: the price. You never get something for nothing, and if you do, keep it under your wig or everyone will want some. The all-new Tahoe LS carries a starting sticker price of $33,990, while the four-wheel-drive model lists for $37,790. The four-wheel-drive LT lists for $38,540 and a fully-loaded LTZ four-wheel-drive, including power sunroof, 4.10 rear axle, rear seat DVD entertainment system and DVD navigation/mp3 audio system tops out at $51,445. That’s not chump change, even in the land of tinsel and glitter (the sparkly stuff, not the movie). Still, if you need a big SUV and it’s got to have class, class, class, for the time being, the 2007 Chevrolet Tahoe is the pick of litter.
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