Sometimes, being the biggest brute at Gay Pride doesn’t guarantee that you will get any action. Or find true love. Or anyone who will buy you a snow cone.

This summer for Denver’s Gay Pride Parade, my friend Steve at Nissan was kind enough to loan a big, burly, brand new 2014 Nissan Titan to the Front Range Bears for our entry in the parade (see photos below). Our theme this year is Bears in Paradise, so a grass skirt completely covering this Titan was in order, though we could not find a coconut bra that was big enough. A good time was had by all, but perhaps the boys in the bed of the truck never quite adjusted to my stop-and-start-and-slam-on-the-brakes driving that a parade like ours demands. That day, I almost hit more than one glittery bearded nun on roller blades.

I was truly appreciative to Steve for letting us use the 2014 Titan. I’ve always liked the Nissan Titan over the years, and I have fond memories of easily rolling over road trash many years ago when it truly was the biggest and heaviest truck on the road.

Yet … something was missing from the 2014 Titan, something that it seemed to have when I last drove one about five years ago. I mean, the truck seemed fine. It was big and powerful and could easily handle the tonnage that we placed in the bed (yes, that does sound gay).

I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was off, so I consulted the web, which many nights is like an Ouija board, and found that the love that the Nissan Titan used to have has of late been given to other burly paramours who offer more than just strength and heft.

When it doubt, we go to U.S. News and World Report to see what they say, which is a compilation of other car reviews on the web. In the Full Size Pickup Truck category, the 2014 Titan made the top ten…. ranking six of six. Why the basement dwelling?

For starters, you can get only a V8 engine on the Titan. Most other trucks offer a V6 because it is more fuel efficient. Yes, the V8 will roll over anything (careful in a school zone), and that power limits mileage to 18 on the highway and (ugh) 13 in the city. That right there limits its appeal in a market where gasoline is quickly approaching $4 a gallon.

Another big complaint is that the interior, while spacious up front, does come off as a skimp job on materials. Hard plastic, or whatever it is, works well for businesses and packages, but for people, even for bears, well, we’ve come to expect a pampering ride. To be sure, it was a little tight in the back when I tried to get three large bears in back for a run to our storage space to drop off all the Hawaiian decorations. And diet soda. And coconut bras.

To makes things worse, the National Automobile Dealers Association ranks the Nissan Titan seven of seven – dead last – in its ability to retain its value as a truck. Sure, the data can be seen in many different ways, but the reviewers seem to agree, the Titan is not what it used to be.

Those of you who follow Gaywheels know we really like the Ram 1500, and indeed, it is a tough truck to beat. I do indeed like the Titan too (Toto too?) but something is missing that I don’t think I will be able to find, even if I did have a heart, a brain or courage. Apparently, other reviewers weren’t able to find it either.

Well, then, the moral of this story is simple: the Nissan Titan is perfect for Gay Pride. Believe you me, this truck is a solid truck and it is very reliable. If you buy one, you will enjoy it. And if you have one, keep it, since your ability to sell it for a decent price may not materialize.

And speaking of bears materializing, all bears everywhere are invited to Denver for our annual bear run (relax, no one exercises) to be held October 9-12. Known as OctoBearFest, this one will be especially fun, since marijuana is now legal in Colorado. Visitors can buy up to a ¼ ounce per day, and of course, other products such as marijuana edibles and THC tinctures etc, but please don’t consume and drive – and definitely do not try to take it outside Colorado. By all means though, if you’re planning to stay awhile without driving, why not partake in some cannabis smoking out of products such as the Arizer Extreme Q for example, this can make a cannabis smoking session even more communal than before! OctoBearFest just may be the first gay legal pot event in U.S. history. Click here for more information.

Look for a forthcoming article about marijuana and driving – and how a Colorado license plate can make you a target for a police stop. Indeed, the genie is out of the bottle.

Special thanks to Rian Hall and Gary Van Dorn, both longtime members of the Front Range Bears, for the photos.