2015 Subaru Impreza: Once You Get It Up (There), You’re Ready To Shoot (Straight)

2015 Subaru Impreza

2015 Subaru ImprezaNow that same-sex marriage is full marriage everywhere in the U.S., the pride parties have begun and they won’t be stopping any time soon. We here at Gaywheels want to make sure that you have the best car possible to take to all the parties all over the country, wherever you may feel the need to go and expose yourself to all that gay goodness.

First up for this “Let’s Party Like It’s 2015” party is the 2015 Subaru Impreza, a good solid gay car. But why start with the Good and the Bad when what people really want to know about is the Ugly? So, here’s the Ugly:

This engine is a bit of a slow-poke. I mean, it’s not bad and it does have some pep, but overall, it’s unimpressive. Perhaps here in the future (as the 21st Century was called during the 20th Century) we expect a lot more vroom-vroom-vroom with everything, including our cappuccino machines. Worse yet, not only is the engine choking at times, it sounds like it is horrifically choking and in dire need of help from Nurse Jackie….

2015 Subaru Impreza….But that was all I disliked about the 2015 Impreza. This is a fun easy-to-park and easy-to-maneuver vehicle. It’s short and compact, so getting in and out of all of those tight spaces (where you still might not be welcome) will be, at least, physically easy. There is plenty of room on the inside for all your friends, and the exterior colors are not limited to red, white, blue or black. The interior is actually nice for a small car, with a side panel material that feels like leather but I’m sure is something more practical. The base price is a bit over $23, and with that you get cruise control (finally), a 6.2-inch touchscreen (and who can’t do a lot with 6.2 inches?) and a rearview camera.

The rearview (or backup) camera is becoming standard on almost all new cars, and the reasons are simple: it helps prevents damage and it saves lives. With a backup camera (which kicks in once the car is in Reverse), you get a 180-degree (or more) view of everything behind you. And even when that bumper or that child is just one foot away, you’ll see it – and hear it because the backup alarm will be screaming loudly at you. This will give you far more confidence in your ability to park in between a truck and a limo on the street just down from where The Grateful Dead (what’s left of them) was performing. You’ll thank me in the morning.

2015 Subaru ImprezaIf you live in the city and are paying more per month for your living quarters than your last visit to the emergency room, you need a car that can get you in and out of everything quickly. Assuming you need to use a car everyday (it will be more for daily commutes as opposed to long existential drives for deep thought), you need something reliable, easy to use and cheap on gas. All Subarus come with All-Wheel Drive; you may not need it now, but when you do …. again, you’ll thank me in the morning. Mileage is 31 city / 36 highway, which is pretty good for its class (i.e. small, cozy, getting you and your books and your lunch in the car could be a challenge …. That kind of ‘small’. )

And perhaps the biggest selling point of all for the 2015 Subaru Impreza: it is just such a gay car. And just what is a gay car? It’s anything that is fabulous, fun and really knows how to be stylish, even if the passengers have no money until the first of the month. That, ladies and germs, is a gay car – which is kinda like a clown car when it’s loaded with professional clowns….

….. and not the current national clown car packed with Republican presidential candidates.

Go Subaru. Thanks for supporting us all these years.

 

  • Jim Pease

    The gutless engine may have been acceptable for you but it wasn’t for me! The 240 HP 2.0L Ford Ecoboost on the Escape is a screamer and gets acceptable MPG.