We’ve endured the wackadoodle predictions of gloom and doom. We’ve sat through that terrible, godforsaken John Cusack vehicle (though only because it was the lesser evil of two in-flight movies, the other being Alvin and the dreaded Chipmunks). And at last, it’s finally here: 2012!
What will this much-feared leap/election/Olympics year bring? We pulled out our crystal ball, some tea leaves, a bunch of yarrow stalks, an old deck of Pokémon cards, and a vintage copy of Mystery Date, put on our best bejeweled turban, and prepared a handful of predictions just for you. Here’s what we expect to see in 2012:
1. Spurred by the success of having Jennifer Lopez as its U.S. spokesmodel, Fiat will launch a line of celebrity customization packages for the 500. The J-Lo-Rider package comes with wider seats and a dozen artfully arranged wind fans. The Charlie “Oil” Sheen package comes with a special fragrance sachet — “Cheap Bourbon and Waffles” — and a nickel bag in the glove box. The Hugh Jackman Six-Package comes with Hugh Jackman. Sales among LGBT shoppers skyrocket.
2. Hyundai, Kia, and Porsche finally get on the bandwagon and become LGBT-friendly. Suzuki drops out of the U.S. market and becomes a non-issue. Well, more of a non-issue.
3. At the 11:59 mark, Saab finds a marriage made in heaven. Unfortunately, that marriage is to Kim Kardashian. After the annullment, Saab is picked up by Sinead O’Connor, Britney Spears, and Newt Gingrich. At last, it lands a honeymoon with Dennis Rodman, and even though divorce comes quickly, the alimony’s sweet.
4. Rick Perry finally comes out of the closet during a GOP debate, while listening to Rick Santorum wax poetic about gays and showers. Caught up in the heat of the moment, Perry proposes to the moderator, which should’ve been Andrew Breitbart, but due to a bout of influenza, he’s replaced at the last minute by Andy Dick. This leads to misfortune for Perry, who drops his maiden name after the wedding.
5. Most importantly, December 21, 2012 will be just another Friday for most Americans, filled with the usual array of Christmas parties, tearful breakups, and non-fatal Walmart tramplings. Pastor Harold “The Rapture Is Coming!” Camping will laugh sagely.
Have a joyous and safe New Year, y’all. We’ll see you on the other side!