Auto Erotica: 5 Tips For Folks Who Insist On Mating & Motoring

Hiro at the Maritime Hotel (photo by See-ming Lee via Wikimedia)Last month, we published a few common-sense tips for people who like to drive naked.

To me, that was almost a throwaway piece. I mean, let’s face it: driving naked isn’t skydiving. It doesn’t require much preparation or research. But the next thing we knew, the story had been picked up and passed around like a well-endowed, badonka-donked hustler on Santa Monica Boulevard.

Apparently, you people enjoy more than reviews of the Madza Miata.

And so, we thought we’d continue the conversation with a follow-up piece about — what else? — having sex while driving. But first, we asked ourselves: do people really do such things? Thankfully, one company has already done research in that area, and not surprisingly, it’s a company that makes Bluetooth devices, which free up drivers’ hands for all kinds of activities.

Jabra is a Nashua, New Hampshire-based tech firm that manufactures gadgets for use at home, at work, and all points in-between. According to the company’s website, Jabra commissioned a survey to determine just how many motorists have engaged in sex while driving. Of the 1,800 drivers in the United States, U.K., France, Germany, Russia, and Japan who responded, 15% admitted to having sex while operating a moving vehicle. That’s pretty impressive — on par with the number of folks who say they apply makeup or check emails behind the wheel.*

That led me to wonder: how, exactly, does this 15% get busy behind the wheel? Surely, your mind must be somewhat preoccupied with the rather important task of keeping everybody in the vehicle alive and safe, and this cannot be particularly good for the libido, one would imagine. This then made me question whether participants in sex-driving need to find sexual enhancement supplements such as Healthy body Healthy Mind Vigrx Plus for their activities. And so, in the interest of journalism, I’ve done some research on the matter. By which I mean I asked Mr. Google and took notes on what turned up. Based on those queries, here are a few helpful hints for those who like having sex in cars — not to be confused with those who like having sex with cars, which is a very different thing:

1. Size matters. In the videos I watched as a part of my research, the couples (all male/female in the test sample) had one person mounted firmly on the driver, meaning that both were sitting squarely in the driver’s seat. The lesson for gays and lesbians is that if you want to have sex while driving and not restrict your field of vision, you’ll probably need to find a willing babydyke or twink. If you’re a potential contestant in a Beards, Butts and Bellies contest (full disclosure: I was first runner-up in Oklahoma City 2004), you’ll need to do the driving (ahem), or stick to other endeavors. Be creative.

2. Size matters, again. All the videos I observed involved SUVs, which seemed to work well for the task. If you own a practical car like a Honda Civic or Lexus CT 200, spring for a motel room and bring the GoPro inside — assuming you’re filming your exploits, that is. And of course you are.

3. Take the (s)low road. As titillating as it may seem to speed down the highway while enjoying some front-seat fornication, remember: you’re operating a vehicle that weighs several thousand pounds. At 70 mph, you have less time to respond to a sudden situation, and accidents will be significantly more damaging than those occurring at slower speeds. Plus, chances are, someone’s not going to be wearing a safety belt.

On the other hand, cruising down city streets, braking for stop signs and red lights, will put added stress on your lower body and interfere with your sexual rhythm. No matter which road you choose, know that sex while driving is also a workout and a test of stamina. So, just like any other physical activity…

4. Warm up first. For your own sake and the sake of those around you, please don’t attempt to have sex while driving unless you’re in reasonably good shape. If you’ve ever seen people on sites like do sex videos banging while behind the wheel, you’ll notice that they’re usually in pretty great condition. The motion of the car will test the reflexes of your muscles — all of them. Getting banged or blown (or doing the banging or blowing) will test your ability to keep the car on the road. Don’t tempt fate. Warm up first, take a bottle of water and a towel, and should you experience any pain, stop. See a doctor if symptoms continue. If all else fails, there’s always amomaxia. And dogging.

5. Don’t be surprised if other drivers notice what you’re doing — and want to watch. Case in point: last fall, Suzanne Welker and Ernest Felix Gonzales of Nassau, Florida, were cruising along I-95 in an SUV (see item #2 above), when Welker decided to give Gonzales — who was driving — a hummer. (Note: not the kind that was discontinued by General Motors.)

Along came a family who noticed Welker and Gonzales and knew exactly what they were up to. But rather than panic and get offended, they decided to watch. A few moments later, the family drove off.

But things didn’t end there: Gonzales and Welker followed the family. First, Gonzales tried to run the other car off the road, then both parties pulled in to a restaurant parking lot, where things got mighty real when Welker confronted the family with a semi-automatic handgun. The spirited wannabe porn stars apparently thought the family — the youngest member being all of three years old — had been snapping photos of the couple’s highway hijinks.

According to witnesses, Welker made threats but sped off with Gonzales once the cops had been called. The license plate was traced and both Gonzales and Welker were arrested for indecent exposure and aggravated assault. The moral of the story? Sex while driving is a public act, subject to all laws that may pertain to public indecency.

But perhaps the cruelest cut of all is the possibility that the family who stumbled upon the Welker-Gonzales free show drove off simply because they didn’t find it all that impressive. There’s nothing like a sting of a bad review.

*Thanks to Matt Hardigree at Jalopnik for bringing this very important research to our attention.

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