Music For Your New Car Should Include A Drag Queen, A Gay Hunk, And Gaga

Man driving shirtlessFor a moment last summer, as I downloaded the latest Cher song that had not yet been officially released (thanks to a cheeky bit of software similar to the FrostWire old version), I felt my gay magic was back.

“Woman’s World” was available only as a single, and I knew every gay already had it. Yet still, I felt that somehow, just by seemingly having this song before most of the straight world, I might be cutting edge again, just as I felt in 1999 when I obtained a pre-release copy of Cher’s “Believe” from a friend who knew a guy with an ex-boyfriend who met a DJ at a Tea dance and we all become BFFs for another month.

Then a sinking feeling — a tired old queen feeling, if you will — overcame me as I realized that while I had just downloaded the single, there was a least one gay guy elsewhere in the world who had already downloaded a remixed version of “Woman’s World”, along with all the choreographed dance steps. Just like the straight people in that Saturday Night Live faux-mercial, “Xanax for Gay Summer Weddings”, who watched hopelessly as all their gay friends did a choreographed dance to a Beyonce song that had not yet been released, I too felt blue. My moment of once again being more than just Fonzie at the cool kids table had vanished. It was enough to pop ABBA Gold back in the CD player, except that many of the new cars I drive no longer have CD players.

What’s a vintage gay with a new car to do? It’s important to have good music while you are driving around in That’s-So-Gay vehicles like the Lexus ES350 or the Ram 1500. And while the classics – Gloria Gaynor, Thelma Houston, Nancy Sinatra – work just fine, sometimes you just want to feel that you are part of the 21st Century and not classmates with Paul Lynde and Liberace. I’m sure there’s been some that have taken inspiration from recent articles that go into different types of music for road trips such as this here. Considering it’s the 21st century new cars also means new ways of listening, so downloading music instead of CD’s also opens up the chances of many new songs to work well for a vintage gay. Wait, does this also mean that there would be a rise in new talents, whose music would be bought to you via any reputed TikTok bot or similar other automation processes? I guess we have to see it through!

Once again, Gaywheels has come to the rescue. Below are some of the better recent songs and videos on the gay scene. Play these on your iPad (connected to your Lexus Enform or Chrysler Uconnect) and not only will you display good taste, you just might feel you’re back in Studio 54 again, sans the leisure suit and Ford Pinto.

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“Call Me on the Ouija Board” by Sharon Needles. This drag queen, very much in the style of RuPaul, really knows how to throw a party and make fun or herself at the same time. “Ouija Board” is a bouncy bathhouse ballad with every sound coming out of a computer, just like in the good old days of disco. The colors are bright and fabulous, and the message is itself a parity of today’s over-connected gay scene. Miss Needles parodies Cher, Linda Blair, Bette Davis in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane and Tim Curry in Stephen King’s It. A sheer delight, with or without the video.

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“Red Hot Tears” by Eric Himan. This openly-gay man is hot, even in black and white. “Tears” is an infectious ballad that combines artists like Steve Winwood (who?), Bono, Boy George O’Dowd and Ricky Martin, while giving his work a distinctive pinch of gay angst with a coconut-rum cocktail, which works rather well. The tattoos are a bit much, but in few years, he will put on the pounds and be a Bear Dream Date of Year. Woof!

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“Applause” by Lady Gaga. The gay world went nuts when the video release for this song was delayed, and apparently there was also a delay getting the lyrics, leaving the whole world feeling anxious and less festive. All is well now, and, really, the wait was worth it. This song is a high-energy yet kitschy mix of fun, for which Ms. Germanotta is known. Think Gwen Stefani and Toni Basil (who?) in a mix-master and you get “Applause” – and a lot of fun. Though it’s only a couple of weeks, old, there are already dozens of remixes that you can download that make you feel like you are right smack in a Steamworks or Midtowne bathhouse (are you sensing a theme with my tastes?).

Cher’s new album “Closer to the Truth” came out this week, and I, for one, was ready. She’s been at this pop star gig for almost 50 years now, so I trust anything she throws at us (though “Burlesque” was a bit disappointing).

If I hear anything from Bette Midler or Celine Dion, I’ll pass it on.