In the 2002 gay movie Trick, drag diva Coco Peru sashays into the boys’ room to talk to protagonist Gabriel, who just met the love of his life but can’t find a room free of roommates where they can consummate the relationship. Miss Coco is the new beau’s ex and tells Gabriel to watch out: his new love is the antichrist but he also has a huge penis. Sure, he’s trouble, but when it comes to his longhorn, Miss Coco proclaims, “It’s big, it’s beautiful, and you’re gonna love it,” just as she did. Bitter sometimes find its way into even the bathroom.

But if Coco Peru were to climb into the 2014 Ram 2500 Laramie Longhorn Crew Cab 4×4 (wow, my mouth is tired), she would discover that it too is big and beautiful and that she’s gonna love everything about it. Be it high hair or ten-gallon hat, there’s plenty of room inside the 2014 Ram 2500 Laramie Longhorn, the high end of the high end of a long line of butch trucks. Finally, a Laramie Project that can make us all smiles.

To be sure, you can’t miss this Miss Laramie. When you venture into the parking lot at your favorite gay bar and see a big truck, you know the owner is not city folk. Imagine a real-life working cowboy who cares little for Donna Karan or Donna Reed. This is your man, and that’s why you followed him to his truck. And this is his truck, which doesn’t mean It’s always a Small World down in his Wranglers, if you catch Miss Coco’s drift.

What makes the 2014 Ram 2500 Laramie Longhorn so gay? It’s the Young and the Restless meets the Bold and the Beautiful – and in this case, size really does matter.

For starters, this Ram has one of the thickest steering wheels I have ever wrapped my hands around. I mean, this is thick and I could feel it. You’ll need something sturdy to hold onto, and if you like thick, this is one of the most secure feelings you can have while pretending to be a top.

This Longhorn comes with a turbo Diesel V6 engine (What the heck is that? A gay dart team?) and is considered a ‘light duty’ truck. Admittedly, slower acceleration comes standard with a diesel engine and when a big boy is attached. But like some of your most memorable nights, take your time, work your way up to speed and then hang on, but remember, you can’t just suddenly stop and not make a mess.

I have never been a fan of the color brown, with the possible exception of the UPS uniform. Yet somehow, Chrysler has put together a very nice color palette of browns and earth tones that really make the Laramie rather warm yet dirty, but not in a dirty way. The Ram I drove had a very nice interior bathed in Western Brown. No shirt-kicking colors here; go as rugged or as pastel as you dare. Heck, if you can afford the Laramie, everyone will always like your sense of taste.

Make no mistake, you have plenty of room to hide stuff, as some of the mystery compartments were even a mystery to me – and I went looking. You also will get the RamBox, a feature whereby a pair of lockable compartments over the rear fenders inside the truck bed will keep your tools and other important instruments locked but easily accessible.

I have a lot of big friends (with big hearts, of course) and I easily fit five big bears into this vehicle, thus, your slender A-List boyfriend and his purebred – and a picnic set from Hermes – will fit easily. The big problem when driving an amusement park like this is: Where to park? Don’t even think of going through a drive-thru window or trying to sandwich into a space just for compact cars. On the upside, you will get Chrysler’s signature touchscreen that is 8.4 inches. Five bears, 8.4 inches and a few picnic baskets stolen from Jellystone Park ….

The Ram has all the new technology that hipsters under 40 want, but it can be confounding. I needed my friend Dave to show me how to advance tracks on the CD, because I could not find it under the Controls icon. So, the lesson is …. Make sure you have friends who can be your own personal Geek Squad.

And talk about a car that can do drag. You can get this truck as an Outdoorsman, Sport, Tradesman, SLT, Lone Star (Texas only), Big Horn (anywhere but Texas). Consider this the Barbie with all the accessories that you’ve always wanted but never had enough room in your closet to play with.

Really, I do try to look at one’s soul and not just what’s bulging through the form-fitting material. Edmunds.com always looks inside the rods and plays with everything, and when they played with this Longhorn, they proclaimed it to be their top pick in the full-size pickup truck segment for 2014. Yay!

One of the few drawbacks I found was that there is no headroom in the backseats. When you get a Laramie, you get the works, and that includes a sunroof. But that sunroof has to go somewhere when it’s not shining down on the front row, and it goes right over the head of the other two guys you decided to bring over to watch Game of Thrones and eat Voodoo Donuts (where the magic is in the hole). My advice? Put the pocket bears in the backseats.

By Ram’s own estimates, your monthly payment on this beauty could be about $704, which for some, is more than the rent. This truck is not for the squeamish, financially or gay-ly forward. Watch for bears crossing the road because they don’t have monthly incomes of $704, even with free drinks and sleeping around even on school nights.

As always, use caution, limber up and be sure to breathe before you get ready to hop on something this big. Be sure to use the running boards (careful in heels). Remember that when driving something this big, it’s too easy to roll over something soft and make it crunch or splat. And it’s way too easy to veer from your lane. We all stray, and this Laramie project is sometimes too big and beautiful, and thus the straying becomes too obvious.

But give it a spin and allow yourself plenty of room. Just like Miss Coco Peru, you too could be the luckiest drag queen in the world, though you will have to leave the men’s room and venture to the parking lot. As Idina Menzel sang in Frozen, let it go …. but hang onto the thickness inside.