First Drive: 2015 Hyundai Genesis Is Gay, Gay, Gay, Great!

Ed. note: Hyundai is one of only two automakers — the other being its sister, Kia — that don’t offer workplace protections to LGBT employees.

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2015 Hyundai GenesisOkay, all you gay AP students who are still dreaming about building the perfect companion. We know you have imagined Guardians of the Galaxy gone gay. Or Avatar 3-D become Avat-Absolutely-Fabulous with heroes who come in seam foam, periwinkle and key lime chrome, not just blue. Or Donkey Kong become a real-life gay porno with bonus points out the arse.

Finally, your dreams have come true, and unlike those 80s movies where the boys are only smart enough to create the perfect girl, you, fellas, are in luck, because Gaywheels has found what you really want: the ultimate tech car. Think Knight Rider as Knowledge Riddler with bulging superhero tights. And comfy seats.

The brand new 2015 Hyundai Genesis has to be the techiest car on the road today, guiding you smartly through school zones, tight parking spaces, idiot drivers and your own genius that sometimes makes you slam on the brakes. Well, actually, it’s a techie car for the non-techie, because I can’t say I understand all the gizmos. I just know they are the cat’s meow because very helpful and look pretty.

2015 Hyundai GenesisIf you’re into gadgets, then your vehicle for the pride parade or the pool party will be this complete book of Genesis. This car is everything you could want in tech gadgetry for your rolling thunder. In fact, the technology and design on this car are so wonderful, we at Gay Wheels have created a new car category just for the Genesis, and we are calling it Techie Luxury. Just like sedan luxury, SUV luxury or even compact luxury (Lexus CT200), our new gay category has a long list of hopefuls. Many have always wanted the smarts of an A.V. nerd but few can actually loop the film through the projector. Thus, our only car to date in the Techie Luxury category is the 2015 Hyundai Genesis – but it is way ahead of the pack.

Where do I begin to tell the story of how great a love can be? Projections of your speed onto the dash as you drive have been around awhile, and it really is a nice feature. Yet Hyundai has added not just your speed to this display, but the speed limit for the road you are on, the radio station playing and whether or not there are cars in your blind spot. As if that weren’t enough, this Kenner Give-A-Show on your windshield also warns you if you are in a school zone and when your blind spots are clear. Dr. Quest and Race Bannon never saw this coming.

2015 Hyundai GenesisThe graphics on the center console touchscreen are some of the clearest and most crisp I have ever seen. Maps on many in-flight navigation systems often look crowded and ultimately become an annoyance, but Hyundai has somehow made the graphics crisp, the maps clear and the music to magically match your drive (or so it seems). Because you know I’m all about the bass….

The Hyundai logo on the hood has changed just for the 2015 Genesis. Rather than the groovy squiggly that is the usual Hyundai logo, the 2015 Genesis has wings, and it looks very, well, U.S. Air Force, but that’s a good thing, especially on uniform night. When you unlock the car and open the door, a Genesis logo comes from a projector inside the door and is displayed cleanly on the ground. This added bit of theater means that even the girls in the dark parking lot at the gay bar at 2 a.m. will know that you are driving a Genesis. So will the cops, who hopefully will be strippers and not real cops.

2015 Hyundai GenesisThe moonroof has a truly wonderful gay feature. When the roof first opens up, rather than open from front to back, it opens from the middle and two separate panels move away from the center. Just like the stage at your favorite puppet show, the curtains open from the center, taking you directly to the action – or the sun. Honestly, how gay is that?

The interior is extremely luxurious, which sounds odd since, well, after all, this is a Hyundai. You don’t often think of anything with that nameplate being luxurious, but for 2015, the interiors are sleek and curvy, very much like the spacecraft that Jane Fonda as Barbarella flew, only with more style and cush (the legal kind) and less plastic and shag carpeting.

The Genesis started out as Hyundai’s sporty hot rod with a hint of suburbia, and yet somehow it has grown into a bit of a luxury sedan. Hyundai will tell you it’s always been luxurious and reviewers will tell you it’s never been a hot rod. I’ll split the difference and called it gay …. or questioning, but still adorable.

2015 Hyundai GenesisThe 2015 Hyundai Genesis has been completely redesigned for 2015, and that means that the quasi-luxury and quasi-sportiness of yesteryear IMHO are now full snazzy and swift. Items like rearview camera, keyless ignition and leather upholstery are now standard. Calgon, take me away…

There are three packages available: Signature, Tech and Ultimate. Yet in order to get the max from this Techie Luxury leader, you unfortunately have to get all three packages, and that will cost about $50 Grand. You see, the 2015 Genesis by itself is called the ‘3.8’ (for 3.8 liter Dual-Overhead-Cam). While fun, it’s very basic, which means the impressive Star Fleet imagery and other D&D Level 30 qualities would have to be done by hand. If you are a molecular scientist or are being consulted daily by the NIH, NASA, or the CIA, perhaps you can afford this car. But if you are living in your parent’s basement and it’s not because they are ill, yeah, well …. I understand PlayStation 5 should be just as impressive.

2015 Hyundai GenesisBe sure to get All-Wheel Drive if you don’t live where it’s sunny all year round. Admittedly, if you get AWD, you can’t have the high performance engines that really make the 2015 Genesis a standout. But in Middle America, staying on the road is generally preferable.

Again, this new entrant in the Techie Luxury category is gay, gay, gay, great. It really is right up there with the iconic BMW 5 Series, and that is a classic nameplate of luxury and status. Honestly, the biggest downside to the 2015 Hyundai Genesis is that Hyundai is one of the few carmakers left on the planet that does not offer workplace protections for its LGBT employees (see Gaywheels recent report on gay-friendly automakers). That’s both sad and ironic; who do they think built all these high-tech conveniences? Straight guys who lead an active lifestyle?

Correction: In my review of the 2014 Ram 2500 with six wheels, I misspelled the last name of the Weather Channel’s resident hunky spandex wearing human thunderstorm Jim Cantore. (Watch how he swiftly knees a kid in the groin as the dumbass tries to crash Jim’s live shot.) My apologies for getting caught in the whole potato, poe-tatto, tomato, toe-matta word game confusion. Sorry, Mr. Cantore – sir (ooh). And be sure to check out his tomatoes, which he will often show from his garden on a clear day.

Or did I just imagine that?

2 thoughts on “First Drive: 2015 Hyundai Genesis Is Gay, Gay, Gay, Great!

  1. It looks better than previous years. Less busy, more grown up styling. Like they decided to stop following Lexus and started looking to Mercedes or Chrysler.

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