Now, before you start writing letters about us stereotyping ourselves in the LBGT community as always being more color, style and fashion conscious understand that this is not why we feel qualified to offer up these admonishments to people looking to buy a new car soon. No, we don’t claim that being gay gives us an insight into the inner working of Donatella Versace’s brain (we rely on science and Morticians for that), we just know that when face with an affront to our ocular glands (your eyes, people) new are just more likely to point out the problem than lie and say pink is the perfect color for a Porsche 911.
And make no mistake, in this age of automotive personalization there are more opportunities than ever for people to order their next new car with all sorts of hideous color choices for not just the exterior but the interior, the wheels, side mirror caps and the list goes on. So here is a list of some hard and fast rules for the color conscious to stick to. There, we just used “hard’ and “fast” twice and now we are sure fellow Gaywheels scribe Sam Gomez would have had ten jokes for that all ready to go. But that’s the thing, we at Gaywheels are all different and Sam just happens to have the funniest comments. Now check out this list and know it may sound a bit rude and bitchy only because its author is that way.
Not everyone in the LBGT community is like that, but we guess you could just say (as would Mother Monster Lady GaGa) that he was “Born This Way.”
There is Only One Car You Can Buy in Any Color be it Orange, Yellow, Purple, Fuchsia, Black, Red or Lime Green and its Name is Dodge Challenger: Even before Dodge introduced the 700 horsepower plus 2015 Dodge Challenger Hellcat this muscle car two door was always a true, All-American bad ass. Now being that we are convinced this car could kick most any other car’s ass in a bitch slap fight, this car has earned the right to wear whatever exterior color that it wants. Period, end of story. And remember, this is the only car that is allowed to do so. We don’t care how much money you have either because time has proven again and again that it certainly does not buy taste. Talking to you Kim Kardashian.
Buying a car in Gold, Silver or White with a Light Beige Interior Makes You Look like You are Drowning in a Sea of Tapioca Pudding: Now we all know that silver and white cars look clean a whole lot longer than car with other exterior colors and there is nothing wrong with picking those shades (we do question anyone under 80 who buys a gold car, however). We do take issue, however, when new car buyers insist on getting the lightest beige leather seats, carpets and dashboard to color the interior of the car (and this effect is amplified to horrifying effect in gold cars). Simply put, you are driving the automotive equivalent of visual tapioca pudding. And no one thinks tapioca pudding is sexy.
Only Buy a Black on Black BMW, Audi or Mercedes-Benz if you have in fact been tested for and have a Type-A personality, work in Finance/Stock Markets and have never let anyone into your lane if they signaled ahead of you: In other words, why do all Type-A personality financiers in South Orange County drive the same cars in the same colors and buy them over and over and over again with black exteriors and interiors? This is a job for science that could lead to the discovery of the obnoxious yuppie gene.
When in Doubt, Buy an Italian Car in Red (Red is Always Right): Whether you are buying a new Alfa Romeo 4C, a Fiat 500 Abarth, Maserati Ghibli or any proper Ferrari, you can never go wrong buying it in red. Call us traditionalists but all Italian cars look great in red and we suspect it is a law that this be true in Italy which when broken is punishable by death. For greatest effect, a sumptuous tan Italian leather interior should be chosen as well if at all possible.
Battleship Grey is not an Interior Color You Should Pick for a Car but rather a Shade of Paint used inside Prisons and Insane Asylums. Only Suitable for the Interiors of Minivans which could qualify as Either: Frankly, the worst offender among automakers who dabble in the dark art of monotonously battleship grey interiors is Toyota who in the past has managed to make matters work by adding in smatterings of some of the fakest looking wood trim on Earth. Actually, that wasn’t wood from a tree on Earth. We hope it is plastic just like we hope that you have enough personality to want at least a passing amount of visual interest from your new car’s interior. Your do sit in there a lot meaning you look at it. Hello? Are you sleeping or do we need to check for your pulse? Okay, moving on.
Yellow as a Car Color is Only Allowable when used on Four Current Models. Here they are and there are no exceptions: First off in our list of four is the Ford Focus ST hot hatch, which you can find a Wichita Ford Dealers, the Volkswagen Beetle, aforementioned Dodge Challenger and heavy campaigning from a legion of Chevy faithful we included the latest Camaro. Still, the Camaro will look best in yellow with a couple of black racing stripes. But to be honest that’s true with all four of these models barring the Focus ST.
Never, ever put a Wrap on your Car. They usually look Cheap and are the Quickest Way to Owning a Jaguar covered in Leopard Print. You Might as Well just cover your paint job with Hello Kitty Stickers: If you have no idea what a car wrap is that is a good thing because we don’t want to spread this horribly distasteful epidemic any further than it has already spread—namely to Justin Bieber’s house. It seems that any ridiculously wealthy individual who is too cheap to commit to a custom paint job can now just have an enormous stylized post-it note placed on their $350,000 supercar so everyone can know that they really want to keep their private lives private. A wrap has been and always should be a low calorie sandwich alternative. End of story.
If you are Going to get a Car with a Red Leather Interior, the Exterior Must be Black. And for the Safety of the Public do not specify a Red Exterior with a Red Leather Interior as it can cause Eyeballs to explode and eventually a Black Hole will swallow your vehicle whole: We think that what we just said explained out feeling about red leather interiors quite clearly. We do admit the you can get away (when the red hue is tastefully done) a hot lips leather interior in conjunction with a dark grey exterior, silver with white still managing to be a more tasteful color combination that the outfits worn by most of the contestants on “Dancing With the Stars.” That show abuses the concept of man cleavage.
Make Sure that Your Red Leather Interior doesn’t Look like a Hooker’s Boudoir: Close your eyes and imagine the seedy red-light district in Amsterdam or perhaps the color of the cheap velvet drapes in a Wild West Bordello. Or worse, go totally opposite and imagine red leather drained of any depth to the extent that it is now pink much like Paris Hilton likes to see in her custom built Bentleys. Now it can be pink or it can be harlot red the fact remains the same—either color interior will make you look like a slut or Paris Hilton.
And Most Importantly this message goes out to Prius Owners who bought their Hybrid in Black Then “Customized” it with black wheels and really dark window tinting: We will say this once and only once. This does not make your Prius look cool, bad-ass or like “Darth Vader’s Prius.” We are pretty sure everyone at Comic-Con would have a mass aneurysm if George Lucas announced that Darth Vader would return in the upcoming “Star Wars” sequels piloting an environmentally friendly hatchback that bears a passing resemblance to one of Jabba the Hutt’s nephews.
Also, we know those “expensive” black alloys are just what Toyota puts under their plastic wheel covers and all you did was spend $15 bucks a wheel for a shiny chromed center cap cover. Given your $60 tuning budget we doubt you added a turbocharger as well.