2016 Kia Optima: Built for average-sized people with above-average tastes

Editor’s note: Kia does not offer protections or benefits to all of its LGBT employees.

2016 Kia OptimaThis won’t sound great, but here goes: If you’re not a fat ass like me and really know your way around a salad bar, the 2016 Kia Optima may be your car.

It’s taken me a while to realize that my days of being a size-six twink are long gone. Over the years, I have expanded – and oddly found that many a man of any age finds my girth and gray to be attractive.  Hey, works for me, but if you are someone who has always kept your weight in check and really are not addicted to carbs, you and your friends will fit nicely into the 2016 Kia Optima.

This year’s Optima is all-new, but only hardcore Optima fans may notice the differences.  It’s taller, wider, vaster, faster – and has a bit more of a presence than the 2015 models.  It’s always been a great looking car, impressive with its stylish curves and chrome Angry Birds grille (well, that’s what I see). It does seem like this year it’s lower to the ground (it’s not) and gives off a sense of elegance that looks great wherever your private parties or parts take you. There are quite a few trim levels, to include a couple of turbocharged engines.  You can go as low as $22,140 or up to $36,040, so be sure to put together your wish list and compare.

2016 Kia OptimaFor me, the interior felt a little cramped.  I am 5-foot-11 and 240 pounds (okay, that’s not what my driver’s license says) and I had to be careful getting in and out of the car. Fat forks like me really enjoy the girth-ier cabins that a truck, big SUVs and other vehicles of size have to offer – it makes it easier to get your fast food, pre-packaged food and Costco bulk-boxed food purchases all in the front seat. But I realize that in a world of people with good or average BMIs, all that room may not be necessary and even a disadvantage if you are even slightly below average on the Body-Must-Impress index. So all you big-boned gays from southern Alberta (thank you, Kathryn Dawn Lang), you may want to keep looking for more room to expand.  Everyone else, pile into the Kia Optima.

2016 Kia OptimaIf you are seriously shopping for a midsized sedan with some luxury, be sure to check out the Ford Fusion, Honda Accord, Mazda 6 and Toyota Camry, too. They’re all great cars, demonstrating that the midsized sedan market really is strong and has a lot of healthy competition.  It may all come down to what kind of deal you can strike with the seller, the spouse, the bank, etc.  Honestly, with any of these cars, you can’t go wrong.  Just be sure to figure out what you really want from a car, which, I know, can be daunting.

To be honest, I still haven’t figured out what I want from a car or from life. Yet more often than not, I do know that I want a regular supply of bacon cheeseburgers.

Hey, why deny it?

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