2017 Infiniti QX80: The powerhouse you want for year-round pride

Goodness, this is a big car!

I say that because even with my decades of gay experience, I still get impressed by something this big, this shiny and this attractive.  Bathed in the color of lusty cocoa powder, it felt like love at first sight when I saw the new QX80 from Infiniti: it’s a really big-big-big entry into the really big-big-big SUV/truck/home-on-wheels market.

I tested the big daddy of the ‘Queens-times-80’, the Infiniti QX80 All-Wheel Drive Limited.  Goodness, this baby was loaded with all kinds of neato stuff: Bose surround sound, dark chrome 22-inch wheels, leather everywhere, running boards with ‘welcome’ lighting, even headlight washers. This trim was incredibly snazzy, and for the sticker price of $90,000, I was not disappointed.  The bells and whistles and beyond on this Baby Huey of luxury are impressive if you have almost $100,000 lying around.  I can’t even imagine what $100,000 must look like or feel like, though I do imagine Scrooge McDuck at a glitzy Vegas casino sitting on a pile of gold and silver coins while sipping a bone-chilling martini.  To be sure, I’d rather spend that kind of money on a snazzy car instead of a master’s degree, and these days, the QX80 may prove to be the better investment.

To be sure, this is what you aspire to if you have anything left after you’ve spent a lifetime paying off student debt, so-called affordable housing, one or two bad marriages and a child that you adopted one night instead of getting a My Little Pony tattoo. There really is no practical need for this vehicle, even if you are towing over four tons of stuff. Allegedly, the QX80 is a workhorse that’s perfect for families who need to get real work done, but that’s not what I saw.  When I see the QX80, I see an over-the-top performance of gayness and greatness that just begs for you to go somewhere and show the world how truly pretentious you can be–and personally, I see that as a good thing.

Okay, okay, there is some practicality to the QX80, but you will need to go down at least one trim and get the Base AWD trim, which starts at $66,950, almost $25K less than the big splashy one that got me moist. Driving this rolling living room is an experience to be enjoyed, though it did seem a little uncertain on bumps and dips. Maybe it was the weight and size. Hey, just because you hog the camera with your beauty doesn’t mean there is any agility.  Ask anyone who has ever done staging.

Some have commented that it looks like a rebranded Nissan Armada.  Okay, yeah, sure, maybe.  The Nissan Armada is a big boat as well which also looks very inviting.  I tested last year’s Armada and enjoyed that a lot.  This year’s QX80 was also something I enjoyed and loved being seen with (though I hate ending a sentence with a preposition).

If you are Ivanka Trump, you should be worried about the future of your business ventures given the toxicity of your relatives.  But if you are an average Jolene like me, enjoy the Infiniti QX80 and know it will be around a while because it associates with fabulous people like you and not with weird people with names like (racist U.S. Attorney General) Sessions, Kellyanne (Con man) or (White House Spokeswoman) Sean Spicy Sphincter. This Queen x 80 is indeed the performance of a lifetime…

…which may be how long it will take you to pay it off, even if all your scratch show a bunch of jokers (like the White House).