That’s so gay: 2018 Mazda3 is the ultimate, early-21st century car

About the only thing I don’t like about the Mazda3 is its name. All this style and grace, and all they could come up with was “3”? (Worse: it’s technically the “Mazda Mazda3”.)

Apart from that, though, the Mazda3 is like the hottest pocketbear at tea dance: everyone wants to go home with it. I’d go so far as to call it the ultimate, early-21st century car. It’s compact and wiry enough to zoomzoom in and out of traffic, yet sturdy and girthy enough to make you and your friends feel safe and stylish.

The “3” is currently Mazda’s best-selling model and has become the company’s de facto flagship car. Flipping through the promotional materials, you’ll find terms like “human-centric” to describe the “3” and its appeal to, ya know, humans.  There are all kinds of words out there to describe the Mazda3, and all of them apply. Unless you need a tank or a limo, the 2018 Mazda3 is well worth a look.

Standard on all 3s is Mazda’s Smart City Brake Support, which does exactly what it says.  This nifty bit of technology can detect if you’re going to hit something at slow speeds and prevent you from putting your ignorance on full display for the cops and everyone else to see. This is exactly the kind of feature I’ve wanted for a long, long time: nothing like accidentally tapping a bumper, then having the cops show up to search your vehicle.  I’d rather spill a latte on myself from the automatic braking than be staring a cop right in the nipples. (Then again….)

Another standard feature–on Touring trims, anyway–is dark silver alloy wheels, which are perfect for those of you who need a touch more Black Panther in your lives. No longer does a car have to look as though it’s trying to please everyone in the family, unless everyone in the family is hip, groovy, phat, gnarly, all that bonkers stuff. All your relatives can make a statement that says, well, just about anything you want it to say.

You can get into the base 2018 Mazda3 (hatchback or sedan) for just over $18,000, but you can motor home in the Touring trim for just over $20,000–and trust me, it’s worth it. Not only will you get the Smart City Brake Support and dark silver alloy wheels, but Touring models also come with Mazda’s own SKYACTIV-G 2.5-liter engine. The perky little thing earns a combined mpg of 30, which is average for a gas-powered vehicle.

By the time you get all the good stuff added to your “3” (e.g. Bose stereo, moon roof), you’ll probably be on the hook for $30,000 in total. If you do all that, you’ll also get very important safety features, such as lane departure assist, cruise control, brake assist, and a few other things that ought to be standard, IMHO.

I wonder if Mazda could persuade Robert Mueller to shill the Mazda3. Like him, it’s practical, and while he spends his days thinking about collusion, the 3 is focused on collisions. Just a thought.

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