That’s So Gay: 2015 Chrysler 300 Is As Big & Butch As You Are

Chrysler has recently changed its name to FCA: Fiat Chrysler Automobiles. This name change makes sense, given that ‘Fiat’ sounds very European and sexy, while ‘Chrysler’, though technically German/Jewish, still sounds stodgy and stuck in the 60s, Welcome to the 21st Century where names really do carry weight …. unless you’re a car, at which point numbers will do just fine.

2015 Chrysler 300C PlatinumI can’t say I like the name ‘300’ (wasn’t that a gay porno about ancient Greece?) but I love the car. To be sure, this is a big car with big power, and when you pull up in this car, people will notice, if for no other reason that it takes some skill to get it into a parking space at the bathhouse (so I’m told). This big butchie is 16 ½ feet long. Yikes, no wonder gay men have a hard time getting it into something so tight. At 4 feet tall, it’s a long and stubby, and as anyone at the bathhouse will tell you, that attracts attention. The 300 (gosh, that sounds so gay) impresses just by being out in public.

This car can be as sporty or sedate as you like, assuming you feel a powerful 292-horsepower V6 engine (the base model) is sedate. Options abound on this truly updated version of the Chrysler K-Car, but unlike your grandfather’s Chrysler, this one is truly sexy, not just something protruding from his Sears Action Slacks. Colors like Jazz Blue Pearl or Red Velvet Pearl may sound like something off a corporate cafeteria menu, but they dazzle in a way that few glitter bombs with punch can. I drove the Jazz Blue 300, but I didn’t need Queen Latifah to make it sing like Bessie Smith. It was stunning and fun. In short, buy the Chrysler 300 because you will look great in it … assuming you can fit it in and keep it in.

2015 Chrysler 300C PlatinumWell, that’s not really a fair assessment of the car, is it? On second thought, yes it is! …. but beware of a few items:

You can get into the 300 for as little as $31,000, but I wouldn’t go that low. You really will need at least $40K to get the dazzle and the spark that you want – and deserve. Mileage ain’t great: 19 city / 31 highway makes this car the big butch boyfriend who will always impress your friends, but like Audrey II in Little Shop of Horrors, you will need to constantly feed it, Seymour. For all the attention to detail, the 300 has one of the most annoying turn signals I have heard as of late. And for all you audiophiles who really enjoy taking your music with you, the USB / Aux In plugs are located right at your elbow, making it difficult to plug in and let go unless you have done your hot yoga for the last week or so.

2015 Chrysler 300C PlatinumAnd perhaps the biggest consideration: This is a really, really big car. All you urban types may want to get the 300 and keep it at the estate out in the woods, because this car is not going to fit easily in San Francisco, Seattle, Chicago or any place where being hip comes with a monthly public transportation pass.

That said, I love this car. It is fun to drive, even with AWD in adverse weather. Image is still important to most people when they buy a car, and assuming cost is no object for your image, this is the one that will get you noticed …

… and hopefully not because you got it stuck in the drive-thru at Dairy Queen.

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