The Ten Commandments of Being a 21st Century Premium Luxury Auto Brand

On the 7th day the Lord did two things. He rested and he thought up his Ten Commandments that every luxury automaker now must follow because in order to truly rest the most powerful being in the Universe knew he would need a stretch Maybach with individual massage chairs, custom champagne glasses and a built in cooler.

Instead, God packed the cooler with water and turned it to wine, but that came down to a force of habit. What? You doubt God would have a Chauffeur-driven Maybach? Doesn’t He have to right after a long week of Universe creation have the right to a mechanical back-rub while sitting on an embroidered “M” pillow (for Maybach)? We still sense your disbelief but clearly the past year has proven God doesn’t hate gay people, only stupid people do.

How do you explain why so many premium brands seem to be copying each other in a race to see who can come up with an interior more holland-range-rover-6 overbearingly comfortable yet somehow tackier than each and every human being who has gone on the Big Brother television show and thought it would make them a celebrity? That show can get you a career as a porn star, no problem, but not a celebrity. There is far too much commonality among all of the luxury automakers for it all to be a coincidence.

So here are the Ten Commandments as we interpret them through trends among premium automakers. We, of course, were not allowed to see the actual stone tablets on which these rules were written but then some premium brands think their cars aren’t bought by the LBGT community so a few refused our request to see them.

Frankly, Audi would have folded 10 years ago without our help and only our community can help Maserati ensure its very adventurous deep blue, harlot red and burned coffee bean brown leather seat colors are seen as high style to be envied. Or they can just let straight suburbanites drive around in their cars wearing outfits that clash with their seats. Truly, that is a sin that could potentially do that promising brand in.

As follows are the Ten Commandments for Luxury Auto Brands

Thou Shalt Never Hire Matthew McConaughey as Your Brand Spokesperson—Wow, it appears to God really does see all in advance most especially plagues off man like this never ending series of ever more ridiculous ads for Lincoln in which Matthew drives around mumbling incoherently to himself. And what says luxury, class and style more than “Magic Mike?” Actually Lincoln, you should have paid more and gotten Channing Tatum and then the Lord would have been much pleased. Apparently He is a fan of the films 21 and 22 Jump Street.

Even with the Waze Smartphone App, You Shalt Punish Thy Customers Who Don’t Pay Extra for In-Dash Navigation—While mcconaughey_lincoln_640most luxury carmakers don’t offer navigation as standard on all of their models, most of them do still design a screen into the dashboard. But if you don’t specify navigation all the screen does is tell you which radio station you are listening to or the time. People who buy from a luxury brand for years have just expected in-car navigation and finally for 2016 just as the feature is becoming far less relevant to buyers, BMW is making it standard on all its vehicles.

Thou Shalt Use Confusing Numbers and Letters Instead of Proper Names for Your Cars Because Then They Could be Baptized and Not Remain So Soulless—Alright, BMW can still use numbers for their cars because everyone knows what a 3-series or a 5 series looks like (which, oddly, seems to becoming more and more alike as the years pass) as they have been doing it that way for decades. Everyone else needs to learn how to invent an actual name for their car or SUV that people will actually remember. Kudos to Hyundai for giving their luxury sedan (the Genesis) an actual name.

Or at the very least Mercedes try to make the numbers that go after the letters correlate somehow to the engine’s size or power output? Too much to ask? And Infiniti, no one knows what letters and numbers you are using now, you just threw out the tiny bit of brand equity you had in the United States by getting rid of the “G” and “Q” sedans.

Thou Shalt Have Long and Confusing Options Lists and Charge for Things Standard on a $17,000 Kia—Shouldn’t a luxury car IMG_2373already come equipped with “Premium Package” features as standard? Really the only things you should have to pick from are transmissions, engines, a wide array of exterior and interior colors and whether or not you want the expensive name brand premium audio system. On that last item, we would always say yes because the sound you will hear from your Harmon/Kardon, Bang & Olufsen, Mark Levinson, Bowers & Wilkins, NAIM, Acura/ELS, Bose, Revel or Lexicon are all truly heavenly.

Thou Shalt Use Unnecessarily Complex Automatic Transmission Shifter Designs—This has been a problem ever since Mercedes abandoned its easy to use center transmission tunnel mounted shift lever that traveled in a simply masterful crooked line that ensured you never snagged neutral instead of drive. Now Mercedes uses a weird square thing with buttons on it and depending on which you press, that’s the gear you are in. BMW uses a lever that looks like it was once used on a Klingon Space Cruiser and Jaguar’s admittedly pretty rising circular hockey puck design gets old fast as it rises up far too slowly. Majestic the first time, after a decade of that it might drive you crazier than Rick Santorum.

Thou Shalt Make Your Red Leather Interiors Either Pink or the Shade of a Hooker’s Boudoir Unless You are Italian or Audi—Oddly enough, Ford has gotten it right in its latest Fusion Titanium family sedan as did Dodge in the Charger as well. We are talking about the shade of red one finds on your optional red leather seats and how on Earth do two family sedans maintain a sense of exciting visual interest along with class when a person sits inside these special passenger compartments. Of course Maserati does an artful job and Audi never does anything like that wrong but head on over to BMW, Porsche (the worst offender with unintentionally pink leather) or Mercedes and you will witness more internal red disasters than if you were watching the surgery channel.

Thou shalt espouse the merits of all-electric, natural gas, hydrogen, diesel and plug-in hybrid cars but you profit most from 2013boxster-s-23unnecessarily overpowered, gas guzzling supercars which all seem to have interiors made from the hides of at least 30 of the most pampered cows to have ever walked on Earth—You know that it’s actually methane gas that is given off by the huge herds of cattle kept all around the world grazing on old rainforest land that does far more to aid global warming that the emissions coming from the tailpipe of your Honda Civic right?

Thou Shalt Create Insanely Expensive Limited Edition Version of Your Most Ostentatious Model and Bestow Them with Ridiculous Features No Normal Person would Ordinarily Use—This Commandment is, of course, referring to the latest Maybach version of the Mercedes-Benz S-Class with it’s ridiculous, fancy rear seat “M” embroidered pillow, the Porsche Panamera Exclusive Series with it unremitting “brown” color and fitted five piece luggage set for just $63,000 more than a regular Panamera Turbo S model as well as the Range Rover SV Autobiography with an extra pair of “tailgating” seats perfect for polo matches (or judging by their scary metal leg stirrups) or gynecological exams out in the bush. We mean in the wild. Anyway, the seats face backwards out of the cargo hold and help drive the price of this Range Rover to over $200,000.

Thou Shalt Make Your Air Conditioned/Ventilated Seats give the Person Sitting on Them the Sensation that they just Wet active_seat_ventilationtheir Pants. Most often right before Labor Day—We all know not to wear white after Labor Day and we suppose that’s why it’s just funnier to luxury auto brands when their air conditioned seats make their customers worry that they just peed in their gorgeous new white silk pants on their way to an end of summer Garden Cotillion. No matter how rich you are, there is no classy way to exit your car in front of the valet if that actually happens to you. But in this case it never does, it’s just your Higher Power playing a joke on you. And German engineers mainly.

Thou Shalt Make People Pay More for Less when they Buy their Car and then Pay More Again when They Must Service and Repair It Outside the Warranty Period Thereby Causing Its Resale Value to Plummet—Is there any need to explain this one?

 

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